findmeinsf:

What do you do when the kid who shared your kids’ ups and downs and made himself part of our family dies? Every tribute, every picture makes me aware that he was there for good times and bad. When my son got shot up with a marble bomb, so was Ryan. When I yelled at my kids and they knew they were in trouble, Ryan knew he was in trouble with them. If we all hung out by the pool and laughed all day at dumb stuff, even though Ryan only LOOKED at the water, he was family. If we wanted to share good news, we called him. If something went on with our family, he was there.

How do I mend this sick hole in my heart? When the filming started, way back when, you were the one who always talked me through it and one of the only ones that helped me clean up! Even though you little daredevils were jumping in the sewer water and off bridges, smashing yourselves up on bikes and getting clotheslined, I always knew that you all would be here. I am supposed to go before the kids. It is almost two weeks since you have been gone, Ryan, and it is hitting me more each day. I think about Angie and pray that she gets through these days without you. I have to say, that the last few times we talked, you did seem to have a certain “peace” that I haven’t seen before and I have to believe that you were in a pretty good place.

Several times a day, people come up to me and tell me how sorry they are for our loss, cards and letters come, and I realize that the world knows just how much we loved him. Ryan, I am keeping your phone number on my phone … I am never deleting it. You were our friend and our “extra” son, and I will never forget you. We love you and miss you.

Love,

April & Phil

 APE AND PHIL, Y U DO THIS TO ME?!